Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in lorcas_novena's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, May 6th, 2009
2:45 am	Writer's Block: Meant to Be? Do you believe in fate? Why or why not? Submitted By and2c_hersmile View 501 Answers No. It's not really part of the Western Paradigm and I'd feel as if I was bstardising a culture that I cannot possibly comprehend. I'm ok with that thought. Nice things can happen in chaos. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 5th, 2009
12:05 am	I would really like to empty my tummy just now. I'm feeling less scared of v* than I was but not quite enough to actually do it. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 4th, 2009
12:51 pm	Writer's Block: How'd You Get Here? There are many roads to LiveJournal—how did you first hear about LJ? View 500 Answers I has a Deadjournal, having never heard of Livejourbaal. My friend informed me that DJ was crap and set up an LJ for me and joining me up to lots of communities which I liked. that was several years ago and if I needed to set up a new journal she'd still have to do it for me. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 14th, 2009
7:25 pm	Writer's Block: Looking Back LiveJournal is turning 10 and we're feeling nostalgic. What was your first LJ post about? View 503 Answers Wow, so much has changed, I was so ill back then. Lived in a city I hated and barely left the house or spoke to anyone and hurt a lot of people I cared about . I still get sick with nerves and have a penchant for valium but back then I was just spiralling out of control. I have more control over my life these days, things still spiral sometimes but there's not a single area of my life that's not much improved since then. It's weird that I finished my dissertation today, I could never have hoped to do that back then. (Comment on this)
Monday, April 6th, 2009
6:41 pm	Writer's Block: Grab and Go Scenario: For exactly 1 minute, you get access to all the databases of all the intelligence agencies in the world (CIA, FBI, KGB, MI-5, etc). What do you want to find out before time is up and you're caught and jailed forever? View 503 Answers not into conspiracy theories usually but I's like to know if Goering took a cyanide capsule or if the Brit's bumped him off. (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 22nd, 2009
10:06 pm	Fucking, nothing is fucking ok. (Comment on this)
Friday, February 20th, 2009
3:41 am	Writer's Block: Jackpot If you won the lottery, what would you do with your newfound riches? Submitted By kimbereli09 View 500 Answers Assuming that I won 8 million. Buy my apartment in Manchester. Buy my Dad a cottage on the banks of the Hampshire Avon. Give Julia and Loren and James and Quentin the deposit for their own houses. Pay Alfie's tuition fees. Pay for my friend to get the best treatment in the world for her illness wherever in the world she has to go to get it. Trust fund for Katie. five million left and I'd live off the returns of that leaving me free to pursue all the things I want to do. Above all I'd repeat this year at University so I could have break and then pay for my Masters Degree. Bliss. ...not that I'm avaricious, much :-) (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 18th, 2009
8:13 am	I wish that for today no-one cared about me so that I could kill myself. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 20th, 2008
2:35 pm	I need a friend today. I'm sad that that friend cannot be Caroline at the moment. I still think she's lovely but I can't get over how she's somehow different. Though she wasn't on Thursday night. I don't want to pour my heart out to her and she probably wont pour her heart out to me in case I get a negative impression of Grant. That card she sent me on exam results day is still up. It's a whole page of very sweet stuff but the part that reads 'thanks for keeping my feet on the ground with regard to the Grant issue' is now quite upsetting. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
12:58 pm	I feel sick. I'm supposed to be in Uni, and things have been ok with me getting in and everything but I have horrible panic attacks if I wake up in the night. I woke up very early this morning, around 4am, shivering. I actually had to take a couple of valium in the end. I felt much better after that but exhausted and have missed my first lecture. Well, it will be starting now. I'll make my second lecture at 4 I guess. Best thing is to go and have some lunch at the SU try a bit and get used to being there. Or is it best to sleep for a bit? My second lecture doesn't start until four, even five but I need to go to the seminar before it. I really need to go to this lecture. AND I really need to submit my dissertation proposal tomorrow morning. Ergh. Yuck. I want to feel all full of vitality again. Maybe it's not eating anything yesterday. Dunno. Right, getting ready and getting out of the house now. (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 19th, 2008
12:26 pm	Writer's Block: Forbidden Reading From Judy Blume to V.C. Andrews, there's always a book circulating among teens that their parents don't want them to read. What favorite book did you have to hide from your parents? View 503 Answers I had quite enlightened parents who didn't really mind what I read, there were rather pleased that I was reading of my own volition. Even my teachers were quite pleased. When some lads were laughing at me because I was reading Irvine Welsh's 'The Acid House' he told them that it may tackle more 'mature' issues but was an excellent read and he had read it himself. I guess I should be thankful. (Comment on this)
1:17 am	I've decided jabbing myself with pins is okay. IT's not brilliant and it's still self harm but the pins are sterile and no scars. Any better? I don't know. I want it to be. It's bette than cutting so deep the scars will nevr heal and burning so badly that it's hard to walk. I'm not going back there. I'm just tired and upset and scared of my doctor. I needs my meds. (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 18th, 2008
2:20 am	When I was listening to'I'm Looking forward to Christmas' last night I realised that my friends have no idea how much I love, adore and need them. I know my family love me like. I also know I throw it back in their faces because for some reason i don't want them to. Why? They have wronged me and I have wronged them but my Dad seems to think that this is not significant, that families love other family members whatever had happened. However strange the family dynamic. I have what In want in the sense I want a family who love me in the way described in that song but I don't want to go back to my family. Is there something fundamentally wrong or bad about me? But I do feel that way about my close friends. I've expressed this very badly. I'm so confused and upset and just want to be held but even if there was someone here who wanted to I'd probably feel disgusted that to wanted to. I'm so disgusting now but even if I wasn't I don't know that I'd want to destroy myself any less. (Comment on this)
1:43 am	I am generally much happier than I have ever been. However, tonight I want to cut more than ever, just a little, because I need it. Of course I don't need it. This is my choice for which I take full responsibility but it would really help in the short term if I could hurt myself, just a bit. Everyone as these awful recent photos of me on facebook. I can't take the thought that people who do not unconditionally love me are looking at them and I need to punish myself. Somehow. And let everything out. I hope I wont. I hope I'll be strong. But I'm trying my best to go back to how I used to look and somehow its not enough. I want to but punished for being so fat, so disgusting that no-one could ever love me. And if they did I would have less respect for them. I want this pain, this hatred to be externalised. Curling up with it is wretched! But I know cutting is not the way. I must not. But I so desperately want to. I'm trying to make myself valid in the short term, but for now that wont cut it, pardon the pun. I sometimes just wish someone would beat the shit out of me. Do it for me. Someone else punish me. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 13th, 2008
11:42 pm	Writer's Block: Lenny Bruce Before George Carlin exposed the seven words you can’t say on television, comedian Lenny Bruce was arrested multiple times for saying all seven, and more, on stage. Who is today’s most groundbreaking comedian? Or is there even any ground left to break? View 332 Answers Probabaly Daniel Kitson. Kind of created a genre all of his own. Neither biography nor solo theatre nor stand-up but always wonderfully, whimsically funny. Not my absolute favorite, as I love so many comedians but I really think he is the closest to being 'groundbreaking' today. I have immense admiration for those who have broken tabboos before, and those whom it destroyed as it did Lenny Bruce and they have left a legacy of fearless comedians which I hope they would be proud. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 8th, 2008
7:02 pm	Writer's Block: Personal Holidays These days, there's a holiday for everything from punctuation to pie. If you could create your own holiday, what would it be and how would you celebrate? View 500 Answers July 5th in celebration of the foundation of the National Health Service in 1948 by Nye Bevan. Enshrining in law the principle that 'no society can legitimately call itself civilized if a sick person is denied medical aid because of lack of means'. There are SO few reasons to feel proud to be British at the moment but I get quite sentimental about the NHS. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
10:23 am	Two nights of more than five hours sleep without meds. I'm really rather pleased. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 7th, 2008
10:16 am	Writer's Block: Poetry Today in 1955 Allen Ginsberg read his generation-defining poem "Howl" in public for the first time. It’s hard to imagine a poem having the same widespread impact today. Is poetry irrelevant to the best minds of our generation? View 448 Answers Not to those who remain 'staving, hysterical, naked'. I can't speak for the others. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 6th, 2008
8:31 am	Writer's Block: Eat Your Vegetables The fall harvest is showing up in markets now, including many of the green vegetables children find so disgusting and yet are forced to eat. What is the most disgusting thing you’ve eaten, either by choice or against your will? Submitted By bloodcurdling View 500 Answers Tinned braised Tofu...still can't think about it without feeling a bit off, nor can I eat any kind of tofu. Ergh (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 5th, 2008
9:48 am	Writer's Block: United Nations World Teachers Day In recognition of United Nations World Teachers Day, let us reflect on the subjects we hated most in school but must now grudgingly admit were useful. What subject will today’s students find most useful when they’re older? View 455 Answers When I was 14 a few of us were selected to take part in a philosophy course. Only ten of us were invited of which around eight of us attended. We all thought it would look good on our CV/resumes because the people invited were deemed to be 'gifted', whatever that means. Anyway, we all went with the pure intention of advancing our college prospects but all got an incredible lust for the subject. It was something we had never been taught before, it was exciting learning about the foundations of philosophy and so relevant. Religious Studies had taught us the pomp and ceremony of religion but we had never considered life's fundamental questions before. It was incredible. Philosophy would be the most useful new subject for kids today, a welcome break from the fact retention that they are bludgeoned with every day at school. Also a chance to consider their real place in the world and philosophical and theological stance. How can one live without contemplating these questions? (Comment on this)