Let's Fuck This Awful Art Party

Birthday

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 00:58:15 GMT

Hello everyone!

If you don't know me in-the-real then this post probably doesn't apply. Those of you that do and might possibly be thinking of buying me a birthday present this year I'd really like it if you donated some money to my sister's Race for Life, I'm sure I've badgered you before and you know where to donate but the web address is

www.justgiving.com/Katie-Whyte .

Raising plenty of money would be a fantastic birthday present. My sister struggles with the death of our mother a lot. I was the lucky was, I was a thirteen when she died, I got to know her and spend time with her. Katie was only four, it's a pitiful amount of time to get with one's mother. This kind of thing is the only way Katie gets to express how she feels. She wants to keep her alive somehow and this sort of thing works for her. She can't remember her face, which really hurts her, so things like this really matter. She knows just how much it pains her to miss someone so much even though she can't even remember her face. I think if she feels like she's helped a fragile little girl like her spend more time with her mother then she's somehow keeping her memory alive. Our mother was a nurse, so that was her job. It helps Katie to know that she's somehow participating in the same profession and a gesture towards giving very young children time with terminally ill parents.

God, sorry this post is depressing. Basically, if you were planning on buying me a present, or even if you weren't a have a few spare pounds then we'd all be so very grateful.

Last depressing post for ages. Promise.

Writer's Block: Touching blue to make it true

Fri, 12 Feb 2010 00:51:53 GMT

Do you have any phobias or superstitions that negatively impact your life? Are you trying to overcome them or have you learned to live with them? How do they affect you on a daily basis?

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MY phobia dominates my life. Emetophobia. I wont say what it is a fear of in case any fellow emetophobes find the word triggering. I've tried to overcome it but it's become clear I will have to incorporate it into my life. It make me terribly sad because it means I can't do all the things I'd love to do. Can't do my PhD research abroad, can never have a full-time career. I'm lucky that it's possible to be a part-time academic. I'm actually lucky that I have all these thigns I want to do but can't. I'd rather have my aspirations crushed than have none. Leaving the house is hard sometimes because of the phobia. It's very hard at the moment. So very hard. I think about my phobia more than I think about anything else. I feel ill every day. Everything I do has to incorporate this stupid phobia.

On a positive note, it's better than it was. there was a long time when I thought I'd rather die than face it and I no longer feel that way. However, my darkest days left me reliant on prescription drugs and alcohol as a means of dealing with the nausea caused by my phobia. I deal with it a lot better these days but maybe because I leave the house a lot less. Maybe because I have lowered my expectations considerably. I'm only 24 but I'm terribly, terribly tired. I literally can't remember the last time I didn't feel nauseous through anxiety. even as a child.

The worst thing at the moment is it's stopping me from seeing my friends. Everyone's coupled off, which is adorable but means the onus is on me to visit them. Leaving the house is so difficult and when I do it it's so tiring because of the nervous energy. I'd love to be like everyone else and just pop out and visit my friends. I'd love to do what other people do and 'pop to the bank' or whatever without having to take time to get the courage to do so.

I'd love to go for just a couple of hours without being aware of how nauseous I feel, but it really is a case of not having a hour when I don't think about it.

I am fine, though my whinging doesn't make it sounds that way. I've decided to embrace ti and work around ti rather than focus on all the things I'll never be able to do. So much therapy and so many drugs haven't worked. I just can't be let down anymore by the prospect of help. I know it sounds like I'm a coward and have given up trying to cure myself but there's never been a time when I've been well and I've tried very hard. I need to choose my battles wisely and this means focussing on doing a few things that make me happy rather than lamenting the fact that my life will always be fairly difficult. I've done well in some sense. when I was admitted to a mental hospital when I was 17 I befriended two of the girls in there, both around my age. One died and the other is in a nursing home with no prospect of leaving. We were at about the same stage then so I have recovered to some extent. They have had it tougher than me.

Phobias are nasty pernicious things. I'm trying to make the best of ti but this really is no life for anyone.

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 20:01:43 GMT

Absolutely thrilled with my distinction for my first assignment. Had no idea what level I would be expected to work at for my MA but now I know I could potentially do well. A lot more relaxed about the whole thing now.

May not be any use to anyone, but...

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 00:04:30 GMT

My friend made a five course meal for ten of us last nigt and accommodated me as the only veggie (and thus the only vegan) we had sushi, noodle broth and dumplings, teriyaki veg with tempura and dipping sauce and a shitake mushroom side dish, red wine poached pears, port and 'cheese'. So delicious.

Anyway, the broth was so delicious and so simple that I have to share how easy it seemed to make. It was some vegetable stock in water with plenty of dark soy sauce, chopped chillies, spring onions, grated ginger all boiled and simmered in the broth and left for a couple of hours for the flavours to infuse. Udon noodles thrown in at the last minute with loads of fresh coriander when all the flavours have infused.

Maybe everyone knows how easy this is, but I had no idea! I thought it'd be much harder to get so much delicious spicy loveliness infused into a broth! It was so spicy and warm I could NOT believe how few ingredients were needed!

Wed, 03 Feb 2010 20:19:58 GMT

Unexpectedly got quite emotional today. My sister's doing a fun run for a cancer charity and some people have been incredibly generous. I haven't seen some of the people who've donated in years but they've donated anyway and obviously have very fond memories of my Mum.

Losing her so young affected Katie a lot, quite like that we're allowed to make a big deal of it. She can't curl up with her feelings about it when she's fundraising. I really think it's helpful.

www.justgiving.com/katie-whyte

Day 12

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 01:12:08 GMT

Food 1/2... I think I stayed *just* under but had some stuff I'm not supposed to have.
Water: 1/2: Why didn't I just buy another huge water bottle and down it!
Exercise: 0/2
Challenge: 0/2
Post 2/2

4/10. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get motivated again.

Christmas Market!!!

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 11:48:30 GMT

It's chilly enough today for the Christmas market to be fun. There'll be warm spiced cider and lots of twinkly light and I'm childlike enough to find that fantastically exciting. They'll also be hog roasts and bratwurst platters but I can ignore those. There'll be lots of silver homemade jewelry and whatnot and I'm gonna have to stop myself buying the whole place. I'll probabaly end up buying something ridiculous like flower bulbs. Anyway, Kim's coming down when her hangover clears up and Caroline's meeting us which should be lovely. It'll be nice not getting there until it's dark. I love Manchester at Christmas... except for the scary inflatable Santa on top of the town hall.

I might allow myself to buy a Christmas tree decoration or wreath or something. If they have cinnamon scented pine cones I'm completely buying some :)

I'm so glad I made Christmas presents this year. I can see them from here and they look so lovely and festive. I've made a vegan box for Sali with raspberry vodka, vegan fudge, vegan cappuccino truffles and cinder toffee. Everyone else gets a big ass bottle of raspberry vodka and a gingerbread man of them. I reckon we've all felt more seasonal for making them this year.

Saw Damien crying in the middle of the night last night, he never mentioned he'd broken up with his boyfriend. Didn't know until his (now ex) boyfriend knocked on my door to ask if I had anything to calm him down. I head them up chatting until at least 5 and I think he's gone to work. I get so maternal over stuff like that. Just want to make him some tea and put him to bed. It's amazing what some people soldier through. I wouldn't if I'd been up all night crying. He should be at home sleeping.

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 23:27:32 GMT

2 bowls of soup 300
Baguette 400
Soy stick 138
Strawberries 50
potato skin (just one, just slightly oiled) 150 I reckon

1038. Rubbish. I just didn't need all that baguette. That's what I get for not eating until the evening.

And my bra wire's poked through. God I'm so hormonal today.

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 21:07:30 GMT

Fresh tomato and basil soup 200
Roll 200
Celery stick 5
Margerine 50
1/2 courgette 20
1/2 onion 20
5 cherry tomatoes 30
1 tsp olive oil 100
Tomato puree 20
Vegetable stock 20
Arraborio rice 200
herbs 10

825 so far and 20-25g of fat. Maybe the fat is letting me down. There's like 15g in a splash of olive oil. The bread and rice let me down too but if I don't have SOME carbs I'll only be all moody and I'd prefer to be fat than to be a bitch to everyone. I might have more celery over the evening but I reckon I can allow myself extra celery. I'm not gonna go all eating disorder again, it was no fun at all and had a hideous impact on my personality. So, I'm quite pleased , I think I've been quite moderate for the last two days. Long may it continue.

Sorry, anyone who's reading my journal this must be terribly boring, but I need to log things for my diet.

Food diary

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 20:54:18 GMT

A bag of crisps, eek. 181. 8.
Celery. 8
Cucumber. 10
Apple. 40
Soy Cheese. 140. 12
Soup. 150. 5
Raspberries. 30.
3 pints of water.
Baguette. 200. 6.

759 calories
31g fat

Writer's Block: Meant to Be?

Wed, 06 May 2009 01:44:30 GMT

Do you believe in fate? Why or why not?

Submitted By and2c_hersmile

View 501 Answers

No. It's not really part of the Western Paradigm and I'd feel as if I was bstardising a culture that I cannot possibly comprehend. I'm ok with that thought. Nice things can happen in chaos.

Mon, 04 May 2009 23:03:36 GMT

I would really like to empty my tummy just now. I'm feeling less scared of v* than I was but not quite enough to actually do it.

Writer's Block: How'd You Get Here?

Mon, 04 May 2009 11:51:09 GMT

There are many roads to LiveJournal—how did you first hear about LJ?

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I has a Deadjournal, having never heard of Livejourbaal. My friend informed me that DJ was crap and set up an LJ for me and joining me up to lots of communities which I liked. that was several years ago and if I needed to set up a new journal she'd still have to do it for me.

Writer's Block: Looking Back

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 18:28:12 GMT

LiveJournal is turning 10 and we're feeling nostalgic. What was your first LJ post about?

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Wow, so much has changed, I was so ill back then. Lived in a city I hated and barely left the house or spoke to anyone and hurt a lot of people I cared about . I still get sick with nerves and have a penchant for valium but back then I was just spiralling out of control. I have more control over my life these days, things still spiral sometimes but there's not a single area of my life that's not much improved since then. It's weird that I finished my dissertation today, I could never have hoped to do that back then.

Writer's Block: Grab and Go

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 17:42:02 GMT

Scenario: For exactly 1 minute, you get access to all the databases of all the intelligence agencies in the world (CIA, FBI, KGB, MI-5, etc). What do you want to find out before time is up and you're caught and jailed forever?

View 503 Answers

not into conspiracy theories usually but I's like to know if Goering took a cyanide capsule or if the Brit's bumped him off.

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 22:04:32 GMT

Fucking, nothing is fucking ok.

Writer's Block: Jackpot

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 03:45:47 GMT

If you won the lottery, what would you do with your newfound riches?

Submitted By kimbereli09

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Assuming that I won 8 million. Buy my apartment in Manchester. Buy my Dad a cottage on the banks of the Hampshire Avon. Give Julia and Loren and James and Quentin the deposit for their own houses. Pay Alfie's tuition fees. Pay for my friend to get the best treatment in the world for her illness wherever in the world she has to go to get it. Trust fund for Katie.

five million left and I'd live off the returns of that leaving me free to pursue all the things I want to do.

Above all I'd repeat this year at University so I could have break and then pay for my Masters Degree. Bliss.

...not that I'm avaricious, much :-)

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 08:11:23 GMT

I wish that for today no-one cared about me so that I could kill myself.

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 13:56:10 GMT

I need a friend today. I'm sad that that friend cannot be Caroline at the moment. I still think she's lovely but I can't get over how she's somehow different. Though she wasn't on Thursday night. I don't want to pour my heart out to her and she probably wont pour her heart out to me in case I get a negative impression of Grant. That card she sent me on exam results day is still up. It's a whole page of very sweet stuff but the part that reads 'thanks for keeping my feet on the ground with regard to the Grant issue' is now quite upsetting.

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 12:04:14 GMT

I feel sick. I'm supposed to be in Uni, and things have been ok with me getting in and everything but I have horrible panic attacks if I wake up in the night. I woke up very early this morning, around 4am, shivering. I actually had to take a couple of valium in the end. I felt much better after that but exhausted and have missed my first lecture. Well, it will be starting now. I'll make my second lecture at 4 I guess.
Best thing is to go and have some lunch at the SU try a bit and get used to being there. Or is it best to sleep for a bit? My second lecture doesn't start until four, even five but I need to go to the seminar before it. I really need to go to this lecture. AND I really need to submit my dissertation proposal tomorrow morning. Ergh. Yuck. I want to feel all full of vitality again. Maybe it's not eating anything yesterday. Dunno. Right, getting ready and getting out of the house now.

Writer's Block: Forbidden Reading

Sun, 19 Oct 2008 11:32:00 GMT

From Judy Blume to V.C. Andrews, there's always a book circulating among teens that their parents don't want them to read. What favorite book did you have to hide from your parents?

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I had quite enlightened parents who didn't really mind what I read, there were rather pleased that I was reading of my own volition. Even my teachers were quite pleased. When some lads were laughing at me because I was reading Irvine Welsh's 'The Acid House' he told them that it may tackle more 'mature' issues but was an excellent read and he had read it himself. I guess I should be thankful.

Sun, 19 Oct 2008 00:17:37 GMT

I've decided jabbing myself with pins is okay. IT's not brilliant and it's still self harm but the pins are sterile and no scars. Any better? I don't know. I want it to be. It's bette than cutting so deep the scars will nevr heal and burning so badly that it's hard to walk. I'm not going back there.

I'm just tired and upset and scared of my doctor. I needs my meds.

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 01:30:30 GMT

When I was listening to'I'm Looking forward to Christmas' last night I realised that my friends have no idea how much I love, adore and need them. I know my family love me like. I also know I throw it back in their faces because for some reason i don't want them to. Why? They have wronged me and I have wronged them but my Dad seems to think that this is not significant, that families love other family members whatever had happened. However strange the family dynamic.

I have what In want in the sense I want a family who love me in the way described in that song but I don't want to go back to my family.

Is there something fundamentally wrong or bad about me?

But I do feel that way about my close friends.

I've expressed this very badly. I'm so confused and upset and just want to be held but even if there was someone here who wanted to I'd probably feel disgusted that to wanted to.

I'm so disgusting now but even if I wasn't I don't know that I'd want to destroy myself any less.

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 00:50:22 GMT

I am generally much happier than I have ever been. However, tonight I want to cut more than ever, just a little, because I need it. Of course I don't need it. This is my choice for which I take full responsibility but it would really help in the short term if I could hurt myself, just a bit. Everyone as these awful recent photos of me on facebook. I can't take the thought that people who do not unconditionally love me are looking at them and I need to punish myself. Somehow. And let everything out.

I hope I wont.

I hope I'll be strong.

But I'm trying my best to go back to how I used to look and somehow its not enough.

I want to but punished for being so fat, so disgusting that no-one could ever love me.

And if they did I would have less respect for them.

I want this pain, this hatred to be externalised.

Curling up with it is wretched!

But I know cutting is not the way.

I must not. But I so desperately want to.

I'm trying to make myself valid in the short term, but for now that wont cut it, pardon the pun.

I sometimes just wish someone would beat the shit out of me.

Do it for me.

Someone else punish me.

Writer's Block: Lenny Bruce

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 22:44:56 GMT

Before George Carlin exposed the seven words you can’t say on television, comedian Lenny Bruce was arrested multiple times for saying all seven, and more, on stage. Who is today’s most groundbreaking comedian? Or is there even any ground left to break?

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Probabaly Daniel Kitson. Kind of created a genre all of his own. Neither biography nor solo theatre nor stand-up but always wonderfully, whimsically funny. Not my absolute favorite, as I love so many comedians but I really think he is the closest to being 'groundbreaking' today. I have immense admiration for those who have broken tabboos before, and those whom it destroyed as it did Lenny Bruce and they have left a legacy of fearless comedians which I hope they would be proud.